Anne + ? = oh I just don't know...

So after having an interesting weekend beating myself up hiking in the Narrows and pondering my life I went to church with a positive attitude. I thought "this is going to be a good week". It started off ok. Missionary talks in church are generally good...they make me feel a little guilty about not getting a lot of missionary work done. But this one was good. And Sunday School proved to be quite worthwhile. Michelle is a good teacher and led some good discussion about the martyrdom of Joseph Smith. But it was the 5th Sunday and so we (as singles) were corralled into the gym where under the basketball hoop the Bishop gave us the dreaded pep talk about dating. During this talk I found out that 1) I've waited too long to get married and 2) I should spend my remaining 20's changing diapers...This part was especially discouraging given the fact that I'll be 30 in 7 months. I should have gotten on it earlier. As I sat in the back watching the couples in the ward who have succeeded in figuring out the dating formula it occured to me that dating really is like a mathematical formula...and I have no idea what the solution is! I could sit and analyze myself forever. As I do so I find manifested some unique patterns. First of all I did not anxiously await my first date at 16. I did not have any fruitful crushes in Jr. High. While other girls were making out with numerous boys I was hiding behind my braces and glasses. And the boy I did like (N) didn't ever give me the time of day. In fact a year later around prom time when my dad offered to pay for prom for N to take me. But N was kind of a jerk and asked some other girl. I did not leave high school with any other memorable dating experiences. I went to college and dated a little bit. I was actually more outgoing then and more willing to put myself out on the line. But nothing ever turned into anything serious. After my mission I found a few boys but no one really special until (J). I was totally mad crazy for J which was totally fruitless. We "hung out" for like 7 months. He was no where good enough for me. No education, total ex drug-addict, and he wasn't even a nice guy. We were basically dating but really not because everytime we talked about anything he would say "we're just really good friends". Sometimes I remember little snippits of conversations or incidents that we had and I feel the anxiety that I felt at that time creep up again. Suffice it to say it was not a good period of time for me. I labled that my "intense, disfuntional friendship". It would not be my last. That relationship set in motion a pattern of disfunction for me. Since that time I have had numerous friendships with the opposite sex. I consider it a good quality that I have the ability to be friends with almost everyone. But when it comes to dating it is really a curse. I have a friendship, convince myself that I like the person, never say anything because we're friends, and then get my heart broken when they start dating someone, or they move on, or somehow it comes up and I get the dreaded "Oh I had no idea you felt that way. If I ever did anything to make you think I was interested I'm really sorry" (that line is the worst!!!) What makes me angriest is that I don't think I really like the person I think I just like having someone to think about. It is a vicious cycle. And so here I am. Sitting here on a Sunday night and trying to figure out this equation. I think this is one subject I am destined to fail..and I really hate that. Usually I'm really good at figuring out problems. But this may just be a problem with no solution.